The Last Ten Minutes vol. 13: Shocktober 2014

The Descent 2 (2009, Jon Harris)

The baddies are people with goblin ears and bald caps. Three bloody, flashlight-and-handicam-wielding women walk among them in a cave trying not to be heard, but fortunately when they are inevitably discovered, they prove to be masters of rapidly-edited blunt-instrument combat. Survivor of part one (there was a survivor?) sacrifices herself to save her friend, who gets surprise-wasted above-ground by a Yankees fan with a shovel. Director Harris edited the first movie, and one cowriter made Eden Lake and The Woman In Black.

An American Haunting (2005, Courtney Solomon)

Thought I watched this already but that was The Haunting in Connecticut. Donald Sutherland’s here so it’s gonna be good. Flashbacks reveal the ghosts tucking in the girl who played Wendy in the 2003 Peter Pan movie, and maybe beating her up or raping her, or maybe Sutherland did that I dunno, then the girl poisons Sutherland while Sissy Spacek (of The Ring 2 the same year) watches. Attn: screenwriters: notice how horror movies that end with explanatory backstory are less good than the ones that end with mayhem? The director also made Dungeons & Dragons, the one with Marlon Wayans and Jeremy Irons. Hulu’s up-next bullshit is making my night difficult, so it’s off to netflix.

Texas Chainsaw (2013, John Luessenhop)

Aha, it was called Texas Chainsaw 3D in theaters. Tied-up girl about to get chainsawed by Leatherface, but the pacing of the scene implies that she’s not really gonna. “It’s your cousin Heather,” she yells, as rednecks enter the abandoned factory, beat up Leatherface and make him cry. Who wrote this? Lots of people, including the director of Jason Goes to Hell, writer of a Val Kilmer revenge flick and American adapter of The Grudge movies. Anyway, rednecks rig a slow-moving certain-death machine to dispatch Leatherface – those always work, right? Nope, rednecks get chopped up, and two Texas Massacrists live to see a new sequel (your cousin Heather can also be seen in the next Joe Dante movie).

Stake Land (2010, Jim Mickle)

Second one in a row with redneck baddies calling people “boy,” only this time it’s a rasping bald vampire who is stabbing a mustache dude. Now he calls a guy “child” instead of boy, but this is his last word as he gets staked by mustache dude, whom he really should have killed instead of taunting for so long. Surviving guys wander off into apocalyptic vampire world, running into soap star Bonnie Dennison. Ooh the child in this played Young Colin Farrell in Alexander and Young Kevin Bacon in Mystic River. Mickle made this year’s Cold In July, which mustache dude cowrote.

We Are The Night (2010, Dennis Gansel)

Not to be confused with We Own The Night. Loving vampire couple (Dani from Passion) is thrown in jail and menaced by vampiro lesbo Nina Hoss, star of Barbara. Cool gravity-defying fight ensues. Hoss is plunged into sunlight, Dani is just as gorgeous as in Passion, and it’s funny how good German actresses become instantly ridiculous when dubbed with bland American accents. Nice going, netflix. Gansel followed up with a Russian spy drama.

Dead Snow (2009, Tommy Wirkola)

How have I not already watched the last ten minutes of the nazi zombie movie? Think I was tempted to watch this for real, but Trevor says it’s terrible. I like the white snowy setting, unusual for a horror. Oh good, subtitles. Very bloody faced guys are fighting off nazi zombies, one gets bit on the hand so chainsaws off his arm, then looks bloody pleased with himself until something too stupid to mention happens, and the movie is playing for cheesy laughs. The premise had promise. Next the director made Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters and a sequel to his Kill Bill parody (Kill Bill is parodyable?) before this year’s Dead Snow 2.

Carrie Remake (2013, Kimberly Peirce)

Wait, there was a Carrie remake from the director of Boys Don’t Cry?? I am cheating and watching the last 20 to catch the prom scene – not only is she covered in blood at the prom but her date was murdered? Chloe Moretz gleefully, psychically murders her classmates. No out-of-control hormonal rage, she does each one on purpose then literally flies outside, catches escaping schemers and murders them. I miss Sissy Spacek. Home to mama, jeez it’s Julianne Moore, how many people are slumming in this remake? Moore prays as she stabs Carrie, who takes flying-scissors revenge, then best friend Gabriella “Olivia’s sister” Wilde” is saved as the house collapses. Nothing improves a horror movie like a courtroom ending, amirite? Wait, there was another Carrie remake in 2002 with Patricia Clarkson?

Carrie 2: The Rage (1999, Katt Shea)

People are getting Scanners-style bulging veins then the locked-doors psychic blood massacre begins, and yay, kids are killed by flying CDs just like in Hellraiser III. This time instead of prom we’re at a party in the house of a spear gun enthusiast. A girl’s eyeballs are made to explode, then she spearguns a dude’s dick into the pool, and I’m thinking this movie didn’t take itself very seriously. New Carrie’s mom is a religious nut just like Real Carrie’s mom, but what is mom doing at the party? The boyfriend is Jason London (twin brother of Mallrats star Jeremy), who survives to the dream-sequence CGI epilogue. From the writer of Hackers and director of Stripped to Kill.

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