by ·Comments Off on House of Wax (2005, Jaume Collet-Serra)

On one hand, this is a semi-remake about stupid college kids camping out inadvisably close to an evil wax museum and going dead/missing one by one, starring nobody of note, spending too much time trying to make us care about the central sibling relationship. On the other hand, Jaume (in his debut) overachieves, shooting the hell out of it. The twin brother writers envision twin brother killers, who’ve taken the title literally and constructed the entire multi-story house out of wax. The town has been Phantasm’d, every resident killed by the brothers, waxed and posed. I respect how bonkers it all becomes by the end.

Despite Woman in the Yard, Jaume is more hit than miss – I’m considering a Liam Neeson Action Thriller Week to catch up. The DP specialises in stupid nonsense, editor did The Nice Guys, and first victim Wade is 22nd-billed in Terrifier 3.

by ·Comments Off on The Woman in the Yard (2025, Jaume Collet-Serra)

Something is up with mirrors, and mom realizes the woman in the yard is her own confused, chicken-murdering self, or rather her suicidal ideation incarnate, and that she’s trapped in the mirror world, like if Us was 100x less interesting and featured Nosferatuan shadow-snatching. Yard Woman never seems to do anything, but all the pets are dead and everyone’s hurt and she’s spreading family discord, letting the days go by. Her first words are “how did I get here?” Mom saves the day by time-tunnelling into the gun locker(?). Cameo appearances: before dad’s fatal car crash they park outside a movie theater showing The Mirror Has Two Faces… and was that a Uneeda Biscuit canister in their shed?

by ·Comments Off on Carry-On (2024, Jaume Collet-Serra)

Joey Gordon-Edgerton? – Of the Tetris movie, I guess? – is playing TSA Agent Joey while evil remorseless terrorist Michael Bluth threatens his disney-cute gf Sofia and Agent Deadwyler puts the clues together to help out. Upgrade star Joey Logan-Green is a fake cop who gets in a big Children of Men car-fight with the agent, Nanny‘s Sinqua Walls is a coworker who’s gotta get gotten rid of, and Son of Anarchy Theo is Bluth’s hit man. The tension of the useless guy getting coerced into helping blow up a plane is all on point, but the attempts at deeper characterization and psychoanalysis and Joey’s redemption arc only serve to drag the movie to the full two-hour mark. Lately everything reminds me of Red Eye, so why do I not simply rewatch Red Eye? Maybe the least-good Joey Gordon-Serra film I’ve seen (and I skipped the obviously bad ones). Closing credits are excellent.

by ·Comments Off on Orphan (2009, Jaume Collet-Serra)

I’d originally written this off, already know how it ends, but after the prequel and The Shallows I reconsidered. Good movie, from the showy opening scene transitions on through the surprising kills, even with advance knowledge that Esther is not an orphan child but a short adult psycho killer.

Horror specialist Vera Farmiga (The Conjuring, The Nun) is the psycho’s ex-alkie adoptive mom, already a mom with Peter Sarsgaard to deaf girl Max and older Daniel. First death is unfortunately a bird, then while terrorizing schoolkids and enlisting Max as an ally, Esther finds the time to knock off suspicious nun CCH Pounder. She burns down the boy’s treehouse with him locked inside, finishes the job in hospital, and conspires to make Vera seem crazy and abusive. Dad gets stabbed to death, should’ve believed his wife over the soviet psychopath. Supposedly Esther is drowned in the frozen pond, but the movies never permanently close the door on a good villain.

The critics raved: “one of the most genuinely deranged modern horror films” … “[Jaume] gleefully overcooks this with Farmiga’s eager and crucial assistance” … “[Sarsgaard] has been cast as the most clueless oaf patriarch in the history of the horror genre.”

by ·Comments Off on The Shallows (2016, Jaume Collet-Serra)

Happy SHOCKtober 2019!

From the first five minutes, this movie is too energetic and stylized to be a standard-ass survival/horror. Even the character setup scenes, video phone calls with her family, are visualized in a way I’ve never quite seen before. After that you’ve got your surfer, stranded on a tiny island trapped by an angry killer shark, and we remember Open Water but we’ve established that she’s organized and resourceful so this could go either way. Some dodgy CG when she escapes to a buoy and the enraged shark chomps the metal railings, otherwise a colorful, terrific-looking movie. The winning move, crowning this the queen of all shark-attack films, is introducing an injured seagull as Blake Lively’s only companion, naming it Steven Seagull, then feeding it crabs and letting it live to the end. Guess I’ll have to watch the rest of Collet-Serra’s movies now, to thank him for this seagull generosity (not including any superhero spinoffs and/or theme-park-ride adaptations he may have in the works).

I only know Lively from Age of Adaline. The writer followed up with a Coachella satanism flick and a couple TV movies, and is headed back out to sea this year with Gary Oldman. DP Flavio Labiano has also worked with Alex de la Iglesia and Snoop Dogg, and shot Timecrimes.

by ·Comments Off on The Commuter (2018, Jaume Collet-Serra)

There’s a whole subgenre of action thrillers in which Liam Neeson’s family members get taken, with different spinoffs and variations (like Keanu Reeves’ dog getting taken), all of which I’ve been skipping. I probably would’ve skipped this too, but I was fifteen minutes late for The Square, and I’m saving The Post for Katy, and the vulgar auteurists who prompted my fruitful journey through the Resident Evil movies last summer are saying The Commuter is pure cinema, so fine. And they’re wrong, obviously, though their articles are a blast to read – it’s just a pretty good suspenseful movie where Liam kicks some ass and we forgive the ludicrous situation because we’re having a good time.

Liam is a good family man, ex-cop with a kid entering college and major money problems, especially today when he lost his wallet and his insurance job, so when he’s offered $100k to finger a witness on his daily train, he goes along at first, then discovers the people he’s working with are murderers covering for corrupt cops including his ex-partner Patrick Wilson. Various groups claim to be holding Liam’s wife Lady Grantham, but this turns out maybe not to be true – either way, Liam runs up and down the train, making enemies and alliances, eventually gathering everyone in one car and yelling at them while carrying a gun until things get sorted. This is all what I imagine the recent remake of Murder on the Orient Express was like, but with funnier mustaches. The opening montage detailing Liam’s daily family routine is excellent, and a massive train derailment scene was exciting if you get past the conductor’s little Titanic-like self-sacrifice dialogue. The super-happy post-hostage-situation wrap scene was a bit of a stretch. People are dead, a train is destroyed and Liam is supposedly holding hostages. The cop sent in to negotiate is killed. Then a couple minutes after a thousand police storm the train car and grab everybody, Liam is just allowed to go free because the other passengers say he’s a hero. Call me cynical, but I’d expect him to be taken away, beaten half to death and held as a terrorist for at least a few months.

Vera Farmiga (Up in the Air) is Liam’s contact, Sam Neill a cop boss, and Florence Pugh (Lady Macbeth herself) a passenger. The crossover casting between this movie and Atomic Blonde (more deserving of the “pure cinema” label) is tough-looking fellow commuter Roland Møller. This is Collet-Serra’s fourth film where Liam Neeson is holding a gun on the poster, and I’m glad it’s working out for both of them – he also made The Shallows, which I’ve been meaning to watch some SHOCKtober.